Merry Christmas

Our plans for the trip back home to Cincinnati were coming along and we were getting very excited. Even though we are going to be under the 12 week mark, we had decided to tell our parents. Both Zach's parents and mine will all be together so we thought this might be the best time to tell them. But how would we do it? I wanted to do something creative, and Zach is a genius.

First on our trip, we stopped at my sister-in-laws house in Indy. We didn't have a creative way to tell her, but we were about to burst, so we just did it. We cornered her in the guest room and showed her the sonogram. She was so excited and helped us devise a plan to cover up until we could tell the parents. What is most funny, is apparently the day before my mother-in-law cornered Katie and said that she thought I might be pregnant. She apparently had noticed that I didn't have a drink a week or so back. So that must mean I am pregnant... and an alcoholic. ;)  Enter protective sister. She immediately ran to the grocery store and bought some grape juice. She made sure my wine glass was always full. My mother-in-law practically threw a fit when she saw me drinking it. Ha! We fooled her.

Luckily (no not really) my dog got injured and took much of the attention off of us. He was ok, but decided he wanted some attention and slice his neck open. Poor Jackson.

Onward to Cincy!
Seeing my parents was great. We had such a good time. They even had some long neck bottle koozies. Perfect. No one knew I was drinking water.

Then the time came. Since Zach's parents were leaving right after opening presents on Christmas morning, we had the dads open a gift on Christmas Eve so they could enjoy it. They had a tradition of drinking scotch and smoking cigars, so that is what they got. The dads opened their gifts at the same time. First they saw the scotch and immediately started drooling. Then they noticed the cigars. My dad was elated and wanted to smell it. He unscrewed the top and out fell something that wasn't a cigar. It took them a moment to compute what had just happened. Then they realized they were holding pregnancy tests. The room erupted. What a fun moment. We were so blessed to be able to share the news with our family together.

We told Zach's side of the family the following weekend when they were all in town for our Christmas together. They found out the same say they did when we got engaged. They watched a video of the dads finding out. My cousin Heather about died. We all cried. What a happy time in our lives!

Excuses

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a terrible liar. Keeping something this big to myself is nearly impossible. The holidays aren't exactly the easiest time to not drink and celebrate with friends either. The entire month of December was difficult. Not only because I couldn't drink, but also how to hide the fact that you aren't drinking from your friends. I like to have a drink or two. Everyone knows this. So, when was spotted with a beer (emptied and filled with water) and a water bottle I was greeted with a comment from my buddy Zach, "Is that a phantom beer?". How the hell did he know?!?! No, it is a real beer, and took a big swig. Yeah, that will tell him. It was downhill from there. Ugly sweater party. I was DD. Birthday party for friend, we had to hijack the waitress and have her bring me non-alcoholic drinks when we ordered full throttle. Who knew that the hardest part of this whole thing would be the not telling...

Work was another story. Between my chemical pregnancy doctor appointments and the pregnant ones, I had more excuses than the ocean has fish. Physical (this one was close), fence repair, roof repair, picking people up at the airport. I probably didn't need to make all the excuses so complex, but I was not really thinking straight.

I could not wait until I hit 12 weeks and this could all be explained.

Confirmation

The second the Doctor's office opened, my fingers were dialing. I was able to get into the office that week. The excuses were starting to pile up at work. Roof repairs, physical, picking someone up at the airport. I am a terrible liar. But more on this later. More blood was taken and more waiting. The next day I got the call and words I was hoping for. "You are definitely pregnant". So now what? What do I do?

I came in for another visit (more excuses) and was given good prenatals, a lot of information and the confidence that I was craving. Now, decisions... how and when do we tell people? I am in the camp of the 12 week mark. Especially give my last month, I was not ready to tell anyone. I was so freaked out. Early on, there is no way to really know or feel that you are pregnant other than the fact that the tests keep coming out positive. I could feel my heartbeat all the time, so I tended to use that as my barometer that everything was ok. That and the monthly visits to the doctor. Wait? I don't get to go that often?

I was about 5 weeks along when we had our first sonogram. We thought we were about 8 weeks and might be able to see a heartbeat. We were disappointed that the timing was off and that our baby was still a yolk sac. Enter the crazy brain. Why weren't they a baby yet? Why am I behind? Is everything ok?  Well, there isn't much they can tell you other than you are not as far along as you thought you were. We would have to wait a few more weeks and come back.

That was a long 3 weeks. We came back in and had a baby. They looked more like a tadpole, but it was a baby. Heart beat and all. It was real. Please God, let this stick.

Being Thankful

This past Thanksgiving, we spent the holiday with Zach's entire family in Oklahoma and I was late. What? Wait? Late? It is just one day, calm down Kristin. It is probably just because my cycle is off due to my chemical pregnancy. Yeah, let's not go to crazy town. That is what it is.

We drove up to see the family on Wednesday. The ride was interesting. Do know how bad parts of Oklahoma smell? I do. Everything smelled. Cows, fresh cut grass, gas stations. Weird, Zach was never as bothered as I was by these horrid smells. One thing that smelled delicious? Thanksgiving. Everything about it was amazing. 12 adults, 3 kids and 5 dogs. There truly is no better way to spend holidays than all together. I hope my parents can make it down one of these years.

We spent time outside with the little ladies of my cousin's family. Kickball, dance parties and Moscow Mules. Have you had these? Amazing. What wasn't amazing... heartburn. I get it from time to time, but damn! It seemed like everything I put in my mouth caused it. That is ok, I will just sleep it off. Did I mention that I was so tired? But who isn't tired during Thanksgiving? It is the tryptofan, right? Hmmm...

As each day of our stay crept by, I added another day of being late. Each time I went to the bathroom, I was afraid to look down. Each time, there was nothing to see. I was popping pre-natals like crazy in the secret of our guest room. Everyday I would update Zach and he would just say... no testing. Let's wait until we get home.

Sunday evening, we got home. It was late that night, and against the insructions of one the final pregnancy test that I had, I tested. The same excruciating wait, two minutes. This was a digital one. Supposed to be better than the line... So I waited. Times up. I removed the paper that was covering the screen slowly. As I pulled it off sliding it from left to right). I read the word pregnant. Expecting to see the word "Not" at the front, I removed the paper completely. There was no "Not". THERE WAS NO NOT.  I immediately used that last test. There was no hesitation, there was a dark pink line that was clearly darker than the control line.

I walked out of the bathroom, holding both and turned to Zach.
Here we go again.

One and Done

Even though I have spent most of my adult life dreaming of the moment that I would become a mom, the moment you see that dark line, your life immediately changes. I won't bore you with the "my life was not longer my own, I am living for someone else" crap. While, yes, that is true, that is not what first goes through your mind. At least not mine.

This past October, something told me that I was pregnant. I can't put my finger on it, but something felt different. I decided to take a test a day or two before I should have my period. I tested first thing in the morning, just like the instructions said. Those two minutes seemed to last forever. I shut the test in the bathroom and stayed out until the time had past. I knew that I would pick it up otherwise and stare at it. Did I mention that I am crazy? Tick tock, tick tock. Time was up. Holy shit, pink line.

I immediately starting shaking, my hand raced to my stomach. I had to tell Zach. Sure, I should have thought of some great creative way to do it, but I was just too anxious. 6:30 in the morning, I opened the bathroom door and said, "come here come here come here". He got up and groggily made his way into the bathroom. I just held up the test... "that didn't take long", I said. Note: I went off the pill in September. He hugged me and said, "here we go!". I could not stop smiling.

The whole day was littered with excitement, joy and nerves as I held in this big secret. That night on the way home from work, we chatted about all of it. Talked about names, talked about how they would be a summer baby. Oops. And what we needed to do.

That joy was very short lived. Late that night, I didn't feel well. I just chalked it up to morning sickness or something bad that I ate. But as the night progressed, it felt more like menstrual cramps. I was googling like crazy. This can be normal, this can be normal, don' panic. Around 4am there was no doubt that this was not normal. TMI alert: there was blood. More than what was normal. I got ready for work as usual. When Zach got up to get ready he could tell something was wrong. I just said, "that didn't last long" and burst into tears.

Several doctor appointments and blood tests, it was confirmed. I had what they called a chemical pregnancy. I was technically pregnant, hormones and all, but the embryo never implanted. This was not a viable pregnancy. Had I not tested early and waited it out until I missed my period, I never would have know. We decided that day, that I would never test again without being at least 5 days late. Deal. I also made the decision not to tell anyone. It wasn't the fact that I didn't want attention from it and I was so depressed... I was sad and disappointed, but it didn't devastate me. Bringing more attention to it though, may have made things worse. I was more worried about opening the flood gates to the world that we were getting close to having a baby.

My doctor recommended we wait a month before trying again. So as the month of October crept by, I just waited for that monthly visit to make sure they my body was good to go. Now, let me set the record straight, we were not "trying" to get pregnant. By that I mean that we were not temping, and timing and doing all the crazy stuff. We just were going with the flow. No pressure. October came and went. My expected period was due in mid-November. If everything went normal with that, we would be in the clear again. Now it was time to think about Thankgiving with the family.

The Green Light

My husband, Zach,  and I have been married almost 8 years now. High school sweethearts. Awww, I know. Married out of college. Move to Dallas to start our new life. Wow. Where the hell has the time gone? We have had a great life so far. Sure, we had our ups and downs, but what honest couple hasn't? Not everything was a fairytale, but I have to say that I could not imagine spending my life with anyone else. Honestly, I think we are the only people that could deal with each other.

My husband has known that I have wanted to have a baby forever. Let's just say that I am a planner, my life plan was such that, at this age, I would have a 10 year old and a 6 year old. Thinking about that now, I can't even fathom how different my life would be if that "life plan" had come true. After settling into our new home in Dallas, there were parts of our life we weren't ready to give up yet. That freedom that everyone speaks of. We decided that it was ok to be selfish for a while and start our lives in our new home.

Fast forward 7 year, clock is ticking. Poor Zach, poor poor Zach. While I didn't talk about it all the time, I NEEDED a baby. The subject was not one that I ever seemed to feel confident talking about because I knew that he wasn't there yet, or at least he thought he wasn't. And that was ok. I wanted this to be a decision that we made together, not one that I pressured him into.  One afternoon, somewhat out of nowhere, the topic came up. And for once, it was not an emotional drama filled conversation (read: I am crazy). It was a very calm conversation. He said that it was ok that I go off the pill. What?!??! Say that again... ok, calm down. "If it happens, it happens". Breathe Kristin, Breathe. "The only thing i don't want is a summer baby."

Ok... this just happened. We are going to have a baby. Can we get started?