One and Done

Even though I have spent most of my adult life dreaming of the moment that I would become a mom, the moment you see that dark line, your life immediately changes. I won't bore you with the "my life was not longer my own, I am living for someone else" crap. While, yes, that is true, that is not what first goes through your mind. At least not mine.

This past October, something told me that I was pregnant. I can't put my finger on it, but something felt different. I decided to take a test a day or two before I should have my period. I tested first thing in the morning, just like the instructions said. Those two minutes seemed to last forever. I shut the test in the bathroom and stayed out until the time had past. I knew that I would pick it up otherwise and stare at it. Did I mention that I am crazy? Tick tock, tick tock. Time was up. Holy shit, pink line.

I immediately starting shaking, my hand raced to my stomach. I had to tell Zach. Sure, I should have thought of some great creative way to do it, but I was just too anxious. 6:30 in the morning, I opened the bathroom door and said, "come here come here come here". He got up and groggily made his way into the bathroom. I just held up the test... "that didn't take long", I said. Note: I went off the pill in September. He hugged me and said, "here we go!". I could not stop smiling.

The whole day was littered with excitement, joy and nerves as I held in this big secret. That night on the way home from work, we chatted about all of it. Talked about names, talked about how they would be a summer baby. Oops. And what we needed to do.

That joy was very short lived. Late that night, I didn't feel well. I just chalked it up to morning sickness or something bad that I ate. But as the night progressed, it felt more like menstrual cramps. I was googling like crazy. This can be normal, this can be normal, don' panic. Around 4am there was no doubt that this was not normal. TMI alert: there was blood. More than what was normal. I got ready for work as usual. When Zach got up to get ready he could tell something was wrong. I just said, "that didn't last long" and burst into tears.

Several doctor appointments and blood tests, it was confirmed. I had what they called a chemical pregnancy. I was technically pregnant, hormones and all, but the embryo never implanted. This was not a viable pregnancy. Had I not tested early and waited it out until I missed my period, I never would have know. We decided that day, that I would never test again without being at least 5 days late. Deal. I also made the decision not to tell anyone. It wasn't the fact that I didn't want attention from it and I was so depressed... I was sad and disappointed, but it didn't devastate me. Bringing more attention to it though, may have made things worse. I was more worried about opening the flood gates to the world that we were getting close to having a baby.

My doctor recommended we wait a month before trying again. So as the month of October crept by, I just waited for that monthly visit to make sure they my body was good to go. Now, let me set the record straight, we were not "trying" to get pregnant. By that I mean that we were not temping, and timing and doing all the crazy stuff. We just were going with the flow. No pressure. October came and went. My expected period was due in mid-November. If everything went normal with that, we would be in the clear again. Now it was time to think about Thankgiving with the family.